Day 25

Love Forgives

"What I have forgiven, if I have forgiven anything, I did it for your sakes in the presence of Christ." 2 Corinthians 2:10

This one is tough. But if there is to be any hope for your marriage, this is a challenge that must absolutely be taken seriously. Counselors and ministers who deal with broken couples on a regular basis will tell you that this is the most complex problem of all, a rupture that is often the last to be repaired. It cannot just be considered and contemplated but must be deliberately put into practice. Forgiveness has to happen, or a successful marriage won’t. Coming to the conclusion of forgiveness usually takes us a while. We see all kinds of dangers and risks involved in forgiving others. For instance, what they did was really wrong, whether they admit it or not. They may not even be sorry about it. They may feel perfectly justified in their actions, even going so far as to blame you for it. But forgiveness doesn’t absolve anyone of blame. It doesn’t clear their record with God. It just clears you of having to worry about how to punish them. When you forgive another person, you’re not turning them loose. You’re just turning them over to God, who can be counted on to deal with them His way. You’re saving yourself the trouble of scripting any more arguments or trying to prevail in this situation. It’s not about winning and losing anymore. It’s about freedom. It’s about letting go. That’s why you often hear people who have genuinely forgiven say, “It felt like a weight being lifted off my shoulders.” Yes, that’s exactly what it is. It’s like a breath of fresh air rushing into your heart. For the first time in a long time, you feel at peace. You feel free. But how do you do it? You release your anger and the responsibility for judging this person to the Lord. How do you know you’ve done it? You know it when the thought of their name or the sight of their face – rather than causing your blood to boil – causes you to feel sorry for them instead, to pity them, to genuinely hope they get this turned around. Great marriages are not created by people who never hurt each other, only by people who choose to keep “no record of wrongs” (1 Corinthians 13:5).

Today’s Dare: Whatever you haven’t forgiven in your mate, forgive it today. Let it go. Just as we ask Jesus to “forgive us our debts” each day, we must ask Him to help us “forgive our debtors” each day as well. Unforgiveness has been keeping you and your spouse in prison too long. Say from your heart, “I choose to forgive.”

Day 24

Love vs. Lust

"The world is passing away, and also its lusts; but the one who does the will of God lives forever." – 1 John 2:17

God’s blessings go so far beyond our fundamental needs, we could rightly say that we want for nothing. Yet like Adam and Eve, we still want more. So we set our eyes and hearts on seeking worldly pleasure. We try to meet legitimate needs in illegitimate ways. For many, it’s seeking sexual fulfillment in another person or in pornographic images designed to feel like a real person. We look, stare, and fantasize. We try to be discreet but barely turn our eyes away. And once our eyes are captured by curiosity, our hearts become entangled. Then we act on our lust. We can also lust after possessions or power or prideful ambition. We see what others have and we want it. Our hearts are deceived into saying, “I could be happy if I only had this.” Then we make the decision to go after it. Lust is in opposition to love. It means to set your heart and passions on something forbidden. And for a believer it’s the first step out of fellowship with the Lord and with others. That’s because every object of your lust – whether it’s a young coworker or a film actress, or coveting after a half-million dollar house or a sports car – represents the beginnings of a lie. This person or thing that seems to promise sheer satisfaction is more like a bottomless pit of unmet longings. Are you tired of being lied to by lust? Are you fed up with believing that forbidden pleasures are able to keep you happy and content? Then begin setting your eyes on the Word of God. Let His promises of peace and freedom work their way into your heart. Daily receive the unconditional love He has already proven to your through the cross. Focus on being grateful for everything God has already given you rather than choosing discontentment. You’ll find yourself so full on what He provides, you won’t be hungry anymore for the junk food of lust. And while you’re at it, set your eyes and heart on your spouse again. Lust is the best this world has to offer, but love offers you the best life in the world.

Today’s Dare: End it now. Identify every object of lust in your life and remove it. Single out every lie you’ve swallowed in pursuing forbidden pleasure and reject it. Lust cannot be allowed to live in a back bedroom. It must be killed and destroyed – today – and replaced with the sure promises of God and a heart filled with His perfect love.

Day 23

Love Always Protects

"Love always protects." 1 Corinthians 13:7

Marriage is made up of many things, including joys, sorrows, successes, and failures. But when you think about what you want marriage to be like, the furthest thing from your mind is a battleground. However, there are some battles you should be more than willing to fight. These are battles that pertain to protecting your spouse. Unfortunately your marriage has enemies out there. They come in different forms and use different strategies, but nonetheless they will conspire to destroy your relationship unless you know how to ward them off. Your mate and your marriage need your constant protection from things like:

Harmful influences. Are you allowing certain habits to poison your home? The Internet and television can be productive and enjoyable additions to your life, but they can also bring in destructive content and drain away precious hours from your family. The same thing goes for work schedules that keep you separated from each other for unhealthy amounts of time.

Unhealthy relationships. Not everyone has the material to be a good friend. Anyone who undermines your marriage does not deserve to be given the title of “friend.” And certainly you must be on guard at all times from allowing opposite-sex relationships at work, the gym, or even church to draw you emotionally away from the one to whom you’ve already given your heart.

Shame. Everyone deals with some level of inferiority and weakness. And because marriage has a way of exposing it all to you and your mate, you need to protect your wife or husband’s vulnerability by never speaking negatively about them in public. Generally speaking, love hides the fault of others. It covers their shame.

Parasites. Watch out for parasites. A parasite is anything that latches onto you or your partner and sucks the life out of your marriage. They’re usually in the form of addictions, like gambling, drugs, or pornography. They promise pleasure but grow like a disease and consume more and more of your thoughts, time, and money. They steal away your loyalty and heart from those you love. Marriages rarely survive if parasites are present. If you love your spouse, you must destroy any addiction that has your heart. If you don’t, it will destroy you.

Wives – you have a role as protector in your marriage. You must guard your heart from being led away through novels, magazines, and other forms of entertainment that blur your perception of reality and put unfair expectations on your husband. Instead you must do your part in helping him feel strong, while also avoiding talk-show thinking that can lure your attention away from your family.

Men – you are the head of your home. You are the one responsible before God for guarding the gate and standing your ground against anything that would threaten your wife or marriage. This is no small assignment. It requires a heart of courage and a head for preemptive action.

Today’s Dare: Remove anything that is hindering your relationship, any addiction or influence that’s stealing your affections and turning your heart away from your spouse.

Day 22

Love is Faithful

"I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness. Then you will know the Lord." -Hosea 2:20

As Christians, love is the basis of our whole identity. Our spiritual rebirth came about because “God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life” (John 3:16). Our love for each other is supposed to be how people distinguish us as Christ’s disciples (John 13:35). Jesus called us to this kind of love in the passage known as the Sermon on the Mount. He said to “love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you” (Luke 6:27-28). "Love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High; for He Himself is kind to ungrateful and evil men" (Luke 6:35). From the vantage point of the wedding altar, you would never have dreamed that the person you married might later become to you a kind of "enemy," one you would need to love as an act of almost total sacrifice. And yet far too often in marriage, the relationship does indeed dwindle down to that level. Even to the point of betrayal or, sadly, to unfaithfulness. This is not the model, however for the follower of Christ. If love is to be like His, it must love even when its overtures are returned unwanted. And for your love to be like that, it must be His love to begin with. You can give undeserved love to your spouse because God gave undeserved love to you--repeatedly, enduringly. Love is often expressed the most to those who deserve it the least. Ask Him to fill you with the kind of love only He can provide, then purpose to give it to your mate in a way that reflects your gratefulness to God for loving you. That's the beauty of redeeming love. That's the power of faithfulness.

Today's Dare: Love is a choice, not a feeling. It is an initiated action, not a knee-jerk reaction. Choose today to be committed to love even if your spouse has lost most of their interest in receiving it. Say to them today in words similar to these, "I love you. Period. I choose to love you even if you don't love me in return."

Unexpected Desire of Action

Chas: I know I can sound like a broken record at times...but...

Brian: Sometimes, I want to pinch your head.

...and we both burst into laughter!...

Day 21

Love is Satisfied in God

"The Lord will cotinually guide you, and satisfy your desire." -Isaiah 58:11

You need God every single day. This is not a part-time proposition. He alone can satisfy, even when all else fails you. Your husband may be late coming home. Again. But God will always be right on time. Your wife may let you down. Again. But God can always be trusted to deliver on His promises. Every day you place expectations on your spouse. Sometimes they meet them. Sometimes they don’t. But never will they be able to totally satisfy all the demands you ask of them – partly because some of your demands are unreasonable, partly because your mate is human. God, however, is not. And those who approach Him in utter dependence each day for the real needs in their life are the ones who find out just how dependable He is. There are needs in your life only God can fully satisfy. Though your husband or wife is able to complete some of these requirements – at least now and then – only God is able to do it all. Your need for love. Your need for acceptance. Your need for joy. It’s time to stop expecting somebody or something to keep you functioning and fulfilled on a non-stop basis. Only God can do that as you learn to depend on Him. But He wants to do it His way. “My God will supply all your need according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:19). The needs of love, peace, and adequacy are real. No one is saying you shouldn’t have them. But rather than plugging into things that are unstable at best and are subject to change – your health, your money, even the affections and best intentions of your mate – plug into God instead. He’s the only One in your life that can never change. His faithfulness, His truth, and His promises to His children will always remain. That’s why you need to seek Him every day. Our only reason for not doing this is because we really don’t trust God to supply what we need. And yet the Bible says, “Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4). When we are seeking Him first, loving Him first, making our relationship with Him top priority, He promises to supply us with what we really need – which, actually, is all it really takes to satisfy us.

Today’s Dare: Be intentional today about making time to pray and read your Bible. Try reading a chapter out of Proverbs each day (there are thirty-one – a full month’s supply), or reading a chapter in the Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John). As you do, immerse yourself in the love and promises God has for you. This will add to your growth as you walk with Him.

Day 20

Love is Jesus Christ

"While we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly." -Romans 5:6

Jesus has come “to seek and to save” you (Luke 19:10). Everything you’ve failed at and haven’t been able to do, every minute you’ve wasted trying to fix things your own way—all of it can be forgiven and made right by putting your life into the hands of the One who first gave it to you. Maybe you’ve never done this. Then today is your day. Maybe you did it years ago, but you’ve wandered far from your spiritual roots. Love like this cannot be fully understood. Nor can love like this be earned. But it must be received. “If you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved; for with the heart a person believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses, resulting in salvation” (Romans 10:9-10). He was willing to love you even though you didn’t deserve it, even when you didn’t love back. He was able to see all your flaws and imperfections and still choose to love you. His love made the greatest sacrifice to meet your greatest need. As a result, you are able (by His grace) to walk in the fullness and blessing of His love. Now and forever. This means you now share this same love with your spouse. You can love even when you’re not loved in return. You can see all their flaws and imperfections and still choose to love. And though you can’t meet their needs the way God can, you can become His instrument to meet the needs of your spouse. As result, he or she can walk in the fullness and blessing of your love. Now and till death. True love is found in Christ alone. And after you have received His gift of new life by accepting His death in your place and His forgiveness for your sins, you are finally ready to live the dare.

TODAY’S DARE: Dare to take God at His Word. Dare to trust Jesus Christ for salvation. Dare to pray “Lord Jesus, I’m a sinner. But You have shown Your love for me by dying to forgive my sins, and You have proven Your power to save me from death by Your resurrection. Lord, change my heart, and save me by Your grace.”

Write about what this experience has been like for you. Even if you are only renewing your commitment to receive and express His love, what has He shown you today?

Day 18 and Day 19

Love Seeks to Understand

"How blessed is the man who finds wisdom, and the man who gains understanding." Proverbs 3:13

We enjoy discovering as much as we can about the things we truly care about. If it’s our favorite football team, we’ll read any article that helps us keep up with how they’re doing. If it’s cooking, we’ll tune to those channels that share the best grilling techniques or dessert recipes. If there’s a subject that appeals to us, we’ll take notice any time it comes up. In fact, it’s often like an area of personal study. It’s fine, of course, to have outside interests and to be knowledgeable about certain things. But this is where love would ask the question, “How much do you know about our mate?" When a man is trying to win the heart of a woman, he studies her. He learns her likes, dislikes, habits, and hobbies. But after he wins her heart and marries her, he often stops learning about her. The mystery and challenge of knowing her seems less intriguing, and he finds his interests drifting to other areas. This is also true in many cases for women, who start off admiring and building respect for the man they desire to be with. But after marriage, those feelings begin to fade as reality reveals that her “prince” is a flawed and imperfect man. Some of the problems you have in relating to your spouse are simply because you don’t understand them. They probably react very differently to certain situations than you do, and you can’t figure out why? These differences – even the ones that are relatively insignificant – can be the cause of many fights and conflicts in your marriage. If you missed the level of intimacy you once shared with your spouse, one of the best ways to unlock their heart again is by making a commitment to know them. Study them. Read them like a book you’re trying to understand.

Today’s Dare: Prepare a special dinner at home, just for the two of you. The dinner can be as nice as you prefer. Focus this time on getting to know your spouse better, perhaps in areas you’ve rarely talked about. Determine to make it an enjoyable evening for you and your mate.

Day 19: Love is Impossible

"Let us love one another, for love if from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God." 1 John 4:7

The Love Dare starts with a secret. And though it’s been an unspoken element throughout each day, you’ve likely grown more and more suspicious of it all the time. Now that you’re this far, it’s a secret you’re discovering for yourself, even if you haven’t exactly known how to put it into words. The secret is this: you cannot manufacture unconditional love out of your own heart. It’s impossible. It’s beyond your capabilities. It’s beyond all our capabilities. You may have demonstrated kindness and unselfishness in some form, and you may have learned to be more thoughtful and considerate. But sincerely loving someone unselfishly and unconditionally is another matter altogether. We’ve all fallen short of God’s commands (Romans 3:23). We’ve all demonstrated selfishness, hatred, and pride. And unless something is done to cleanse us of these ungodly attributes, we will stand before God guilty as charged (Romans 6:23). That’s why if you’re not right with God, you can’t truly love your spouse because He is the Source of that love. The hard news is this: love that is able to withstand every pressure is out of your reach, as long as you’re only looking within yourself to find it. You need someone who can give you that kind of love. “Love is from God” (I John 4:7). And only those who have allowed Him into their heart through faith in His Son, Jesus—only those who have received the Spirit of Christ through belief in His death and resurrection—are able to tap into love’s real power. “Apart from me,” Jesus said, “you can do nothing” (John 15:5). But He also said, “If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you” (John 15:7). So, this unsettling secret—as defeating as it may feel—has a happy ending for those who will stop resisting and will receive the love God has for them. The truth is, you can’t live without Him and you can’t love without Him. But there is no telling what He could do in your marriage if you put your trust in Him.

TODAY’S DARE: Look back over the dares from the previous days. Were there some that seemed impossible to you? Have you realized your need for God to change your heart and to give you the ability to love? Ask Him to show you where you stand with Him, and ask for the strength and grace to settle your eternal destination.
What do you believe God is saying to you? Is there a stirring in your heart? What decision have you made in response to this?

A Perfect Muffin

During our Christmas vacation, it's fair to say that Rylie's routine and bedtime got kind of...well, forgotten. We stayed up late and slept in, occasionally got out of our pajamas, ate what we wanted...when we wanted, and Rylie got a lot of extra attention. And I was perfectly content with that. I do, however, love a solid routine. So when we returned home, I was quick to alter and adjust things to get back to our norm! And to my surprise, it only took one day! Apparently, Rylie likes a solid routine, too.

I feel that children need and crave routine. Routine helps establish security and peace in a child's life. A bedtime routine helps establish good sleeping patterns. A dinnertime routine establishes the importance of family interaction. Routines keep children calm and at ease with life's variables. However, I also feel that routines must be flexible enough to change if circumstances warrant. My intent is to not rule my family with an iron fist; rather, my goal is to help keep my family organized and to help make our lives as easy going and peaceful as possible. And it just makes me feel good, okay?! :) I like that my family knows what to expect. I like that we eat dinner together, every night, at the dinner table around 6pm. I like that when we say, "It's time for dinner. Go to your chair," Rylie screams in delight and runs to her high chair. I like that her stomach is full and that she is bathed and in her jammies by 7pm every night. And although I dearly miss rocking my baby before bedtime, I also like that at 9am sharp...she knows that it is bedtime and does not make a fuss. At bedtime, the tone in our house quickly changes. It goes from laughs, giggles, and running about the house to soft whispers, kisses, hugs and "night-nights!" And then I place Rylie in her crib and slip out her bedroom door. Occasionally, I will hear her glow-worm singing through the monitor. But without one scream or cry, she is usual fast asleep within 5 minutes.

Although the majority of our nights are played out just as I have explained...a few nights ago was different. But I found joy in that night, too. We followed our typical routine and at 9pm, Rylie was sleeping in her crib. 45 minutes later...I heard her start to fuss and that quickly turned into a cry. And it wasn't just the whimpering that tells me that she is a little extra squirmy and is trying to fall back to sleep. So, I headed to her room and we both made our way back out to the living room where I tried to calm her by swaying back and forth in the rocking chair. Nope...not working. So it was off to the kitchen where she gulped down a few ounces of milk...followed by more crying. She has been teething, so I gave her some Motrin. But she was still upset. Daddy guessed that she may be hungry so I pulled out one of her favorites...and she was content as long as that mini-muffin was hidden beneath her gentle grasp and that hand was tucked close to her chest. We rocked for another 10 minutes but when I tried taking away her muffin...she belted out a loud cry! She was only relaxed and content if she was holding her muffin...which I thought was adorable. But seriously, it was now time for bed; and I refused to let my child go to bed with a mini-muffin in her hand. So, I placed an empty-handed Rylie back in her crib and she fell asleep within minutes. But I couldn't help but notice how perfect she had kept her muffin. Not one side was crushed in. Not one crack appeared. Not one bite was missing. It was as perfect as a homemade (can we count the kind that you "just add water" as homemade, please) mini-muffin could be!

Day 17

Love Promotes Intimacy

"He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends." -Proverbs 17:9

You can be close to a good friend you’ve known since childhood or college days. You can be close to a sibling, your parents, or a cousin who’s about your same age. But nothing rivals the closeness that’s experienced between a husband and wife. Marriage is the most intimate of all human relationships. Each of us comes into life with an inborn hunger to be known, love, and accepted. We want people to know our name, to recognize us when they see us, and to value who we are. The prospect of sharing our home with another person who knows us down to the most intimate detail is part of the deep pleasure of marriage. Yet this great blessing is also the site of its greatest danger. Someone who knows us this intimately can either love us at a depth we never imagined, or can wound us in ways we may never fully recover from. It’s both the fire and the fear of marriage. Which of these are you experiencing the most in your home right now? Are the secrets your spouse knows about you reasons for shame, or reason for drawing you closer? If your spouse were to answer this same question, would they say you make them feel safe, or scared? If home is not considered a place of safety, you will both be tempted to seek it somewhere else. Perhaps you might look to another person initiating a relationship that either flirts with adultery or actually enters in. You may look for comfort in work or outside hobbies, something that partially shields you from intimacy but also keeps you around people who respect and accept you. Marriage has unloaded another person’s baggage into your life, and yours into theirs. Both of you have reason to feel embarrassed that this much has been revealed about you to another living soul. But this is your opportunity to wrap all this private information about them in the protective embrace of your love, and promise to be the one who can best help him or her deal with it. You and you alone wield the power either to reject your spouse because of their secrets or to welcome them in – warts and all. They will either know they’re in a place of safety where they are free to make mistakes, or they will recoil into themselves and be lost to you, perhaps forever. Loving them well should be your life’s work. The reality of intimacy always takes time to develop, especially after being compromised. But your commitment to re-establishing it can happen today – for anyone willing to take the dare.

Today’s Dare: Determine to guard your mate’s secrets (unless they are dangerous to them or to you) and to pray for them. Talk with your spouse, and resolve to demonstrate love in spite of these issues. Really listen to them when they share personal thoughts and struggles with you. Make them feel safe.

Day 16

Love Intercedes

"Beloved, I pray that in all respects you may prosper and be in good health, just as your soul prospers." -3 John 2

You cannot change your spouse. As much as you may want to, you cannot play God and reach into their heart and mold them into what you want them to be. But that’s what most couples spend a large part of their time trying to do – change their spouse. A farmer cannot make a seed grow into a fruitful crop. He cannot argue, manipulate, or demand it to bear fruit. But he can plant the seed into fertile soil, give it water and nutrients, protect it from weeds, and then turn it over to God. Millions of farmers have made a livelihood from this process over the centuries. They know that not every seed sprouts. But most will grow when planted in proper soil and given what they need. If you take the Love Dare seriously, there is a high likelihood that you will be personally changed from the inside out. And if you carry out each dare, your spouse will likely be affected and your marriage will begin to bloom in front of your eyes. It may take weeks. It may even take years. But regardless of the soil you’re working with, you are to plan for success. You are to get weeds out of your marriage. You are to nurture the soil of your mate’s heart and then depend on God for the results. But you won’t be able to do this alone. You will need something that is more powerful than anything else you have. And that is effective prayer. Prayer really does work. It’s a spiritual phenomenon created by an unlimited, powerful God. And it yields amazing results. There are some key elements that must be in place for prayer to be effective. But suffice to say that prayer works best when coming from a humble heart that is in a right relationship with God and others. Begin to pray for exactly what your mate needs. Pray for his heart. Pray for her attitude. Pray for your spouse’s responsibilities before God. Pray for truth to replace lies. Pray that forgiveness would replace bitterness. Pray for your heart’s desires – for love and honor to become the norm. Pray for romance and intimacy to go to a deeper level. One of the most loving things you can ever do for your spouse is to pray for them. “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to” (Matthew 7:7)

Today’s Dare: Begin Praying for your spouse’s heart. Pray for three specific areas where you desire for God to work in your spouse’s life and in your marriage.

Day 15

Love is Honorable

"Live with your wives in an understanding way...and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life." -1 Peter 3:7

To honor someone means to give them respect and high esteem, to treat them as being special and of great worth. When you speak to them, you keep your language clean and understandable. You are courteous and polite. When they speak to you, you take them seriously, giving their words weight and significance. When they ask you to do something, you accommodate them if at all possible, simply out of respect for who they are. Honoring your mate means giving him or her your full attention, not talking to them from behind a newspaper or with one eye on the television. When decisions are being made that affect both of you or your whole family, you give your mate’s voice and opinion equal influence in your mind. You honor what they have to say. They matter – and because of the way you treat them, they should know it. When two people marry, each spouse becomes “holy” to each other by way of “holy matrimony.” This means no other person in the whole world is supposed to enjoy this level of commitment and endearment from you. Your relationship is like no other. You share physical intimacy with only her, only him. You establish a home with this person. You bear your children with this person. Your heart, your possessions, your life itself is to be wrapped up in the uncommon bond you share with this one individual. Love honors even when it’s rejected. Love treats its beloved as special and sacred even when an ungrateful attitude is all you get in return. And if your attempts at honor go unreciprocated, you are to give honor just the same. That’s what love dares to do– to say, “Of all the relationships I have, I will value ours the most. Of all the things I’m willing to sacrifice, I will sacrifice the most for you. With all your failures, sins, mistakes, and faults – past and present – I will choose to love and honor you.” That’s how you create an atmosphere for love to be rekindled. That’s how you create an atmosphere for love to be rekindled. That’s how you lead your heart to truly love your mate again. And that’s the beauty of honor.

Today’s Dare: Choose a way to show honor and respect to your spouse that is above your normal routine. It may be holding the door for her. It might be putting his clothes away for him. It may be the way you listen and speak in your communication. Show your mate that he or she is highly esteemed in your eyes.

Day 14

Love Takes Delight

"Enjoy life with the wife you love all the days of your fleeting life." -Ecclesiastes 9:9

One of the most important things you should learn on your Love Dare journey is that you should not just follow your heart. You should lead it. You don’t let your feelings and emotions do the driving. You put them in the back seat and tell them where you’re going. In your marriage relationship, you won’t always feel like loving. It is unrealistic for your heart to constantly thrill as the thought of spending every moment with your spouse. Nobody can maintain a burning desire for togetherness just on feelings alone. But it’s also difficult to love someone only out of obligation. A newlywed takes delight in the one they now call their spouse. However, there is something just as powerful as that fresh, new love. It comes from the decision to delight in your spouse and to love him or her no matter how long you’ve been married. In other words, love that chooses to love is just as powerful as love that feels like loving. In many ways, it’s a truer love because it has its eyes wide open. It’s time to lead your heart to, once again, delight in your mate. Enjoy your spouse. Take her hand and seek her companionship. Desire his conversation. Remember why you fell in love with their personality. Accept this person – quirks and all – and welcome him or her back into your heart and actually start enjoying who they are again. It’s time to remember why you once fell in love. To laugh again. To flirt again. To dream again. Delightfully. The responsibility is yours to relearn what you love about this one to whom you’ve promised yourself forever.

Today’s Dare: Purposefully neglect an activity you would normally do so you can spend quality time with your spouse. Do something he or she would love to do or a project they’d really like to work on. Just to be together.

Day 13

Love Fights Fair

"If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand." -Mark 3:25

Like it or not, conflict in marriage is simply inevitable. When you tied the knot as bride and groom, you joined not only your hopes and dreams but also your hurts, fears, imperfections, and emotional baggage. The storms of life began testing and revealing what you’re really made of. Work demands, health issues, in-law arguments, and financial needs flared up in varying degrees, adding pressure and heat to the relationship. This sets the stage for disagreements to break out between the two of you. You argued and fought. You hurt. You experienced conflict. But you are not alone. Every couple goes through it. It’s par for the course. But not every couple survives it. The deepest, most heartbreaking damage you’ll ever do (or ever have done) to your marriage will most likely occur in the thick of conflict. That’s because this is when your pride is strongest. Your anger is hottest. You’re the most selfish and judgmental. But love steps in and changes things. Love reminds you that your marriage is too valuable to allow it to self-destruct, and that your love for your spouse is more important than whatever you’re fighting about. Married couples who learn to work through conflict tend to be closer, more trusting, more intimate, and enjoy a much deeper connection afterwards. The wisest way is to learn to fight clean by establishing healthy rules of engagement. If you don’t have guidelines for how you’ll approach hot topics, you won’t stay in bounds when the action heats up. Fighting fair means changing your weapons. Disagreeing with dignity. It should result in building a bridge instead of burning one down. Remember, love is not a fight, but it is always worth fighting for.

Today’s Dare: Talk with your spouse about establishing healthy rules of engagement. For example, make a list of "we" boundaries...we will never mention divorce, we will not bring up old, unrelated items from the past, we will never fight in public or in front of our children. Then make a list of "me" boundaries...I will listen first before speaking, I will speak gently and keep my voice down. If your mate is not ready for this, then write out your own personal rules to “fight” by. Resolve to abide by them when the next disagreement occurs.

Day 11 and 12

Love Cherishes

"Husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies." – Ephesians 5:28

Marriage is a beautiful mystery created by God, joining two lives together as one. This not only happens physically but spiritually and emotionally. You start off sharing the same house, the same bed, the same last name. Your identity as individuals has been joined into one. When your spouse goes through a tragedy, both of you feel it. When you find success at your job, both of your rejoice. But somewhere along the way, you experience disappointment, and the sobering reality that you married and imperfect person sets in. It’s time to let love change your thinking. It’s time for you to realize that your spouse is as much a part of you as your hand, your eye, or your heart. She, too, needs to be loved and cherished. And if she has issues causing pain or frustration, then you should care for these with the same love and tenderness as you would a bodily injury. If he is wounded in some way, you should think of yourself as an instrument that helps bring healing to his life. Don’t let the culture around you determine the worth of your marriage. To compare it with something that can be discarded or replaced is to dishonor God’s purpose for it. That would be like amputating a limb. Instead, it should be a picture of love between two imperfect people who choose to love each other regardless.

Today’s Dare: What need does your spouse have that could meet today? Can you run an errand? Give a back rub or foot massage? Is there housework you could help with? Choose a gesture that says, “I cherish you” and do it with a smile.

Love Lets the Other Win

"Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests others." – Philippians 2:4

Stubbornness comes as a standard feature on both husband and wife models. Defending your rights and opinions is a foundational part of your nature and make-up. It’s detrimental, though, inside a marriage relationship, and it steals away time and productivity. It can also cause great frustration for both of you. Granted, being stubborn is not always bad. Some things are worth standing up for and protecting. Our priorities, morals, and obedience to God should be guarded with great effort. But too often we debate over piddling things, like the color of wall paint or the choice of restaurants. The wise and loving thing to do is to start approaching your disagreements with a willingness to not always insist on your own way. That’s not to say your mate is necessarily right or being wise about a matter, but you are choosing to give strong consideration to their preference as a way of valuing them. Instead of treating your wife or husband like an enemy or someone to be guarded against, start by treating them as your closest, most honored friend. Give their words full weight.

Today’s Dare: Demonstrate love by willingly choosing to give in to an area of disagreement between you and your spouse. Tell them you are putting their preference first.

Day 10

Love is Unconditional

"God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ dies for us." -Romans 5:8

If someone were to ask you, "Why do you love your spouse?" And all of your answers have something to do with his or her qualities- and then those same qualities suddenly or gradually disappear- your basis for love is over. The only way love can last a lifetime is if it's unconditional. The truth is this: love is not determined by the one being loved but rather by the one choosing to love. If a man says to his wife, "I have fallen out of love with you," his is actually saying, "I never loved you unconditionally to begin with." His love was based on feelings or circumstances rather than commitment. There must be a stronger foundation than mere friendship or sexual attraction. Unconditional love will not be swayed by time or circumstance. That's not to say, though, that love which began for the wrong reasons cannot be restored and redeemed. But you will struggle and fail to attain this kind of marriage unless you allow God to begin growing His love within you. Love that "bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things" (1 Corinthians 13:7) does not come from within. It can only come from God. Hopefully, you will no longer say, "I love you because..." You will now say, "I love you, period."

Today's Dare: Do something out of the ordinary today for your spouse- something that proves (to you and to them) that your love is based on your choice and nothing else. Wash her car. Clean the kitchen. Buy his favorite dessert. Fold the laundry. Demonstrate love to them for the sheer joy of being their partner in marriage.

And just for the record...my Love Dare is going exceptionally well. I am keeping a journal and plan on posting the results after February 14th. However, let the record show that last night was not so easy. :) Brian was tired and cranky!

Day 9

Love Makes Good Impressions

"Greet one another with a kiss of love." -1 Peter 5:14

You can tell a lot about the state of a couple's relationship from the way they greet one another. You can see it in their expression and countenance, as well as how they speak to each other. It is even more obvious by their physcial contact. It's probably something you don't think about very often- the first thing you say to him or to her when you wake up in the morning, the look on your face when you get in the car, the energy in your voice when you speak on the telephone. But here's something else you probably don't stop to consider- the difference it would make in your spouse's day if everything about you expressed the fact that you were really, really glad to see them. When someone communicates that they are glad to see you, your personal sense of self-worth increases. You feel more important and valued. That's because a good greeting sets the stage for positive and healthy interaction. A loving greeting can bless your spouse through what they see, hear and feel. Think of the opportunities you have to greet each other on a regular basis. When coming through the door. When meeting for lunch. When saying good-night. When talking on the phone. It doesn't have to be bold and dramatic every time. But adding warmth and enthusiasm gives you the chance to touch your mate's heart in subtle, unspoken ways. Remember, love is a choice. So choose to change your greeting. Choose love.

Today's Dare: Think of a specific way you'd like to greet your spouse today. Do it with a smile and with enthusiasm. Then determine to change your gretting to reflect your love for them.

Day 8

I'm excited to hear that some of you have joined me and have decided to participate in the Love Dare. And because I know that some of you are actually relying on my blog to get your "dare" for the day...I will try my best to get the dares posted relatively early each day. However, I also wanted to let you know that even if you have to skip a day or don't find the time to do it during that particular day...you can always "double up" on the next day. :)

Love is not Jealous

"Love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire." -Song of Solomon 8:6

Jealousy is one of the strongest drives known to man. Illegitimate jealousy is jealousy that is rooted in selfishness. This is to be jealous of someone, to be "moved with envy." It has been said that people are find with our succeeding, just as long as it is not more than theirs. Jealousy is a common struggle that can poison you from living the life of love God intended. If you don't diffuse your anger by learning to love others, you may eventually begin plotting against them. The Bible says that envy leads to fighting, quarreling, and every evil thing. And if you aren't careful, jealousy can begin to infect your marriage. When you were married, you were given the role of becoming your spouse's biggest cheerleader and the captain of his or her fan club. Both of you become one and were to share in the enjoyment of the other. But if selfishness rules, any good thing happening to only one of you can be a catalyst for envy rather than congratulations. Because love is not selfish and puts other first, it refuses to let jealousy in. it leads you to celebrate the successes of your spouse rather than resenting them. It's time to let love destroy any jealousy that springs up in your heart. It's time to let your mate's successes draw you closer together and give you greater opportunities to show genuine love.

Today's Dare: Determine to be your spouse's biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealousy. To help set your heart on your spouse and focus on their achievements, take yesterday's list of negative attributes and discreetly burn it. Then share with your spouse how glad you are about a success he or she recently enjoyed.

Day 7

Love Believes the Best

"Love believes all things, hopes all things." - 1 Corinthians 13:7

In the deep and private corridors of your heart, there are two rooms. They are called the Appreciation Room and the Depreciation Room. On the walls of the Appreciation Room, you have written kind words and phrases describing good attributes of your spouse...honest, intelligent, wonderful cook, beautiful eyes, etc. However, on the walls of the Depreciation Room, you have written things that bother and irritate you about your spouse. These things were placed there out of frustration, hurt feelings and the disappointment of unmet expectations. That room is lined with the weaknesses and failures of your husband or wife. Emotional injuries fester in this room and people fall out of love here. Basically, spending time in the Depreciation Room kills marriages. You may say, "But these things are true!" Yes, but so are the things in the Appreciation Room. Everyone fails and has areas that need growth. This is the sad aspect of being human. We all have sinned. But we have this unfortunate tendency to downplay our own negative attributes while putting our partner's failures under a magnifying glass. Although we tend to spend more time in the Depreciation Room, love chooses not to live there. You must decide to stop running to this room and linger there after every frustrating event in your relationship. It does you no good and drains the joy out of your marriage. Love chooses to believe the best about people. It gives them the benefit of the doubt. And when our worst hopes are proven to be true, love makes every effort to deal with them and move forward. As much as possible, love focuses on the positive. It's time to let love lead your thoughts and your focus. The only reason you should glance in the door of the Depreciation Room is to know how to pray for your spouse.

Today's Dare: Get two sheets of paper. On the first one, spend a few minutes writing out positive things about your spouse. The do the same with the negative things on the second sheet. Place both sheets in a secret place for another day. At some point during the remainder of the day, pick a positive attribute from the first list and thank your spouse for having this characteristic.

"If there is anything praiseworthy, meditate on these things." -Philippians 4:8

Random Question

Dear Readers,

Is it bad that I am proud of Rylie for knowing how to turn on and off the vacuum cleaner?!

Embracing my inner clean freak,
Chas

Day 5 and 6

Day 5: Love is not Rude

"He who blesses his friend with loud voice early in the morning, it will be reckoned a curse to him."- Proverbs 27:14

Nothing irritates others as quickly as being rude. Rudeness is unnecessarily saying or doing things that are unpleasant to be around. To be rude is to act unbecoming, embarrassing or irritating. In marriage, this could be a foul mouth, poor table manners, or a habit of making sarcastic quips. When a man is driven by love, he intentionally behaves in a way that's more pleasant for his wife to be around. If she desires to love him, she purposefully avoids things that frustrate him or cause him discomfort. Embracing this concept could add some fresh air to your marriage. Good manners express, "I value you enough to exercise some self-control around you. I want to be a person who's a pleasure to be with." When you allow love to change your behavior, even in the smallest of ways, you restore an atmosphere of honor to your relationship. People who practice good etiquette tend to raise the respect level of the environment around them. Do you wish that your spouse would quit doing the things that bother you? Then it's time to stop doing the things that bother them. Will you be thoughtful and loving enough to discover and avoid the behavior that causes life to be unpleasant for your mate? Will you dare to be delightful?

If so...here's what you can practice:

1) Guard the Golden Rule- Treat your mate the same way you want to be treated.
2) No Double Standards- Be as considerate to your spouse as you are to strangers and coworkers.
3) Honor Requests- Consider what your spouse already asked you to do or not do.

Day 5 Dare: Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause them to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them of justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only.

Day 6: Love is not Irritable

"He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city." Proverbs 16:32

Today's Dare: Today, choose to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation. Begin by making a list of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule. Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life.

Things to Ponder...

Where do you need to add margin to your life? When have you recently overreacted? What was your real motivation behind it?

Day 4

Love is Thoughtful

"How precious also are Your thoughts to me...How vast is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand." -Psalm 139: 17-18

Love thinks. It keeps busy in thought, knowing that loving thoughts precede loving actions. When you first fall in love, being thoughtful came quite naturally. But for most couples, things begin to change after marriage. Sparks of romance slowly burn and the motivation for thoughtfulness cools. You drift into focusing on your job, your friends, your problems, your personal desires, yourself. After a while, you unintentionally begin to ignore the needs of your mate. But if you don't learn to be thoughtful, you end up regretting missed opportunities to demonstrate love. Thoughtfulness is a silent enemy to a loving relationship.

Today's Dare: Contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day. Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could do for them.

The Love Dare

When I think about my past and reflect on the 14th day of each February...I immediately think of Amanda and Jenny, who share this holiday with their birthdays. But then my mind quickly takes me back to 3rd grade and I can literally visualize my homemade Valentine's Day card box and I am reminded of the anticipation I felt when counting the number of cards that soon filled that box! And I smile as I am also reminded of the giddiness I felt when finally coming to the card signed by my current crush. But then I flash forward a few years and am reminded of the awkwardness that was created by a major 7th grade break-up the day before Valentine's Day. Then it's high school and I am struggling to find the perfect gift for my high school sweetheart. I always came up short and remember my gifts being rather cheesy. A balloon, some candy, a stuffed animal (what guy wants a stuffed jayhawk anyway)...and I suddently realize that I was never really that "good" of a Valentine. And honestly, I still feel that I have, kind of, "failed" to live up to the expectations of this holiday.

But not this year!!

Every day, I pray that Brian and I live a life that glorifies God and that we live in a Godly marriage. One of my top priorities is to create an awesome example for my children to follow. And amongst many other things, loving and honoring your husband is definitely something I want to instill. And although I do love and honor Brian, I also acknowledge that I can do so much better with outwardly demonstrating this and have room to grow. But I'm making a conscious effort to do so.

And Brian, this is when you stop reading. :)

With Valentine's Day right around the corner, I have joined thousands of other people who listen to K-Love and have decided to follow the 40 day "Love Dare!" It started on Wednesday and goes until February 14th. And I would like to document this journey and invite others to do the same for their significant other.

So far...

Day 1: Love is Patient

"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." -Esphesians 4:2

Love works. It is life's most powerful motivator and has far greater depth than most people realize. It always does what is best for others and can empower us to face the greatest of problems. Love will inspire you to become a patient person. When you choose to be patient, you respond in a positive way to a negative situation. You are slow to anger. Patience makes us wise. It doesn't rush to judgment but listens to what the other person is saying. Patience helps you give your spouse permission to be human. It understands that everyone fails.

Day 1 Dare: Resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all.

Day 2: Love is Kind

"Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you." -Esphesians 4:32

Kindness is love in action. Patience avoids a problem; kindness creates a blessing. One is preventive, the other proactive. Love makes you kind. When you're kind, people want to be around you. They see you as being good to them and good for them. Love, in its truest sense, is not based on feelings. Rather, love determines to show thoughtful actions even when there seems to be no reward. You will never learn to love until you learn to demonstrate kindess.

Day 2 Dare: In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse again today, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness.

Day 3: Love is not Selfish

"Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor." -Romans 12:10

If there were ever a word that basically means the opposite of love, it is selfishness. Unfortunately, it is something that is ingrained into every person from birth. However, loving couples- the ones who are enjoying a full purpose of marriage- are bent on taking good care of the other flawed human they get to share life with. That's because true love looks for ways to say "yes." One ironic aspect of selfishness is that even generous actions can be selfish if the motive is to gain bragging rights or receive a reward. Love also leads to inner joy. When you prioritize the well-being of your mate, there is a resulting fulfillment that cannot be duplicated by selfish actions. Nobody knows you as well as your spouse. And that means no one will be quicker to recognize a change when you deliberately start sacrificing your wants and wishes to make sure his or her needs are met.

Day 3 Dare: Along with restraining from negative comments, buy your spouse something that says "I was thinking of you today."

Okay...there. You are caught up. And now it's time for me to go buy something for Brian. :)

Emerged Personality.

I learned something somewhat new during our vacation...our daughter has a huge personality!

During the past 15 months, Brian and I have really bonded with Rylie and have spent a lot of time learning her behavior, attitude, her likes and dislikes. We have proved to her that she will be well taken care of, loved, and protected; and because of this, she has gained a sense of complete comfort in "her world." Before our vacation, her behavior was telling me that she could have a bit of an ornery side to her. And often times, I selfishly felt a bit insecure because she didn't necessarily have to be right under the legs of her mother. But because it's normally just the three of us, Brian and I seldomly get the chance to see her interact with others. However, during our vacation, a lot of time was spent with a house full of people...young and old(er). :) And Rylie was making an impression that could not be forgotten.

She is not shy. Not timid. Not bashful. She is full of energy. She is funny. Smart. Bold and daring. She likes to be the center of attention. She doesn't mind getting "dirty." She prefers high speed races in cardboard boxes over the gentle ride and prefers building blocks over babies. She has an unusual infatuation for car seats and strollers. Rylie can hold her own and was once described as the "cool kid!" I was proud to watch as she revealed such a confident demeanor. My baby girl may not be the snuggler; the quiet natured Miss Priss; or the shy one who only wants to be held by her mommy...but her personality is such a joy to be around! And honestly, we're fortunate that she has that personality because unfortunately, she doesn't get to spend a ton of time with her grandparents. And the fact that she doesn't soley rely on mommy and daddy to make her feel comfortable is kind of necessary for them to have the kind of relationship they already have with her. She warms up to them extremely quickly and doesn't require us to be with her at all times. She is confident enough and trusting enough to allow them to visit as many times as they can and act as if she hasn't gone one day without seeing them. I love watching her grow into her own and Brian and I can't help but discuss what we think she might grow up to be like. WHATEVER it is...we'll gladly accept it!

~Home Sweet Home~

After being away from our house for 10 days, traveling to and from a few different cities, living out of suit cases and bags (a lot of them!), visiting lots of family, meeting best friend's 7 week old baby, spending quality time with those that we love, celebrating Christmas four different times, watching Rylie get spoiled by all of her grandparents, comfortably accepting that Rylie's routine got a bit muddled...we are home!

And after 10 loads of laundry, an entire day spent reorganizing, deep cleaning, packing up Christmas decorations and being reminded by my husband that "seasons must come and go"...I feel settled again!

This Holiday season was, once again, BUSY! But I really wouldn't be able to accept it any other way. The weekend before Christmas, my mom, step-dad, sister and niece all came for a visit. I bought Taigen and Rylie matching Christmas pajama sets, Brian made a delicious prime-rib dinner, and we settled in by the fire and opened gifts...ma-maw and pa-paw sure do know how to spoil their two grandbabies. Rylie quickly went from having zero "little people" sets to having four different sets! We had such an amazing time with them!!!



The following week, we left Oklahoma and headed to eastern Kansas...where we stayed for over a week. We spent several great days with Brian's parents and were able to get together with both of his brothers and their families. Brian made another prime-rib Christmas dinner and we had a heck of time trying to get all four grandchildren settled for a nice picture! Rylie was spoiled with lots of gifts; in particular, she was given one special gift that was put together by her Grandpa Tony...a wooden rocking horse!



Then it was off to central Kansas, where we spent the rest of our vacation with my dad, step-mom, brother, sister and Sky. Rylie is so blessed to have so many wonderful family members who absolutely adore her. We basically relaxed with the family, cooked, baked, played games, enjoyed another Christmas dinner, and had a fun time watching Robert push Rylie around the house in a cardboard box! The ground was sparsely covered with snow but we made the best out of it and dad pulled Robert and I on a sled, behind the four-wheeler. We had a blast!! On New Years day, dad and Peg hosted their annual "Game Feed" and had over 60 people at their house. They made BBQ duck, pheasant noodle soup, deer something or other, bacon wrapped dove and duck...and much-much more! My list does not do them justice for what they prepared for that day.

But all good things must come to an end...and we were homebound on Saturday night. I included today as part of my vacation and I'm so thankful that I did. It can be a bit hard to go back to work after staying up late and sleeping in for 12 consecutive days. But it's all in the attidude. And with Rylie already back in her normal routine and with my house clean and orderly again...it's time to start working on my goals for 2010!

Thank you, everyone, for letting us overwhelm your house with luggage and for allowing us to turn your home into our vacation spot! We enjoyed seeing all of you very much and look forward to the next visit.

Oh, and thanks for making it imperative that we get Rylie a toy box...SOON!

Sending Our Love!